Honesty on a dating website

Yesterday I signed up to a free dating website and well to sum up my 24 hours so far I can only say “erm what now?” People seem to put as their personal statements what they think people will want to read rather than the truth. Any way there is no space on the site for my honest, full unabridged personal statement so here goes…

I’m 47, I’m not skinny I’m never going to be, it was downhill all the way from aged 18. I also have stretch marks, you might want ‘somebody who takes pride in their appearance’ but I don’t know what that really means and anyway I have mad hair (nb not mad sense of humour that normally means irritating) it’s not neat if you want neat maybe move on. Don’t get me wrong I do have a sense of humour it’s just not mad, leary, crazy etc etc.

You might as well give up as a potential suitor if you are; racist, think rape jokes are funny, a homophobe, a Tory, someone who discriminates/hates anyone disabled or on benefits or single mums or teen mums, or support the death penalty; this means  UKIP, EDL and BNP members need not apply, I’m not too keen on the Liberal Democrats any more either in case you were wondering. Equally if you get all your news from the Daily Mail fuck off, ditto if you are married.

I am a vegetarian, now this doesn’t mean that I want to listen to you bang on about why you eat meat because frankly I don’t care and no I don’t crave bacon. I am a very good cook and that’s about it domestic wise I think I have an ironing board somewhere but I haven’t seen it in years.

I am a feminist and no this doesn’t mean I don’t shave my legs or that the drinks are all on me. I still believe in good manners so I will hold the door open for you and if you let one shut in my face because you think it’s funny or are trying to prove a point I suspect we’re not compatible. I think you have lost your sense of humour now? You can stop reading you know? I can agree to disagree on some things for example I think the Terminator films are great and if you don’t that’s fine (you would be pushing it a bit though) but not on the important stuff like racism. If you tell me my film choices, taste in music and books are awful and you have much better taste than me I will gut you where you stand.

You’re not going to change me or control me so don’t bother trying and I accept the same about you, I’m not into challenging or explosive relationships ok?

Guess what I don’t like shopping, if your dream is following me round town carrying my bags that’s not going to happen, I am up for Red Dwarf marathons though.

My family are the most important things in my life so to be honest you wont get much of a look in anyway, that may or may not change, I expect you to put your family first as well especially if you have children, I’m not wasting my time with dead beat dads.

Emotionally honest, law abiding and intelligent are my main basic requirements. I see a lot of you have put cuddly and loyal well I’m not looking for a puppy I prefer cats. (of course I do).

I’ve noticed the trend in middle aged men posing for photos topless in front of mirrors….STOP IT stop it now. Also no photo at all and I’m not replying, do your wife a favour and either behave or leave her. Oh and messaging me about “sucking all the juices from sushi if you get what I mean? I have a wicked sense of humour” I think a ten year old would get what you mean, however I really didn’t find the dead fish analogy very sexy, but then I am a humourless feminist.

In a nutshell I’m laid back and funny call me..