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Control, Choice and Shame (trigger warning, rape)

April 28, 2013

When you’re with someone and you see that far away contented look or a happy smile and you get the urge to kiss them, is it an urge to steal that happy moment from them claiming it for yourself, or is it an attempt to become part of their moment? Or could there be a more sinister motive, that of to destroy the moment completely, to twist it into something that they alone can control?

I remember the surprise I felt when he first asked me for sex, I remember laughing as I said no, the question was so out of the blue, he had no reason to expect, or to ask for sex from me. He asked again, saying it was Christmas and he deserved sex at Christmas. he annoyed me so I turned to walk away and then he was hitting me. Blow after blow rained down on me, knocking me to the floor, he seemed enraged. “I want sex” he shouted at me, I refused and he started to hit me faster and harder. When he finally asked me again I said yes, I sobbed whilst he raped me, I couldn’t stop, I remember wondering how he got a hard on from hurting me, I will never understand that. He even tried to kiss me, at least I managed to stop him from doing that. When he finished he wiped himself on me, told me to stop crying as it disgusted him, saying it was my fault I should have just said yes in the first place and he left.

The next day I was in agony and could hardly move. I examined myself in the mirror and saw my back was one giant black bruise as were my thighs and the tops of my arms, once I was dressed not a mark showed, that was how out of control he had been, my face and my stomach hadn’t been touched. No one could see my that breathing hurt and that I couldn’t sit down or walk without pain. No one could see my fear and shame and I vowed, rightly or wrongly that no one ever would. I was going to craft this memory into a story so as too exorcise it whilst still hiding from it, but why should I hide?

Why don’t women report incidents like this? Because it’s rarely a stranger, because entire families  (frequently their own) would be ripped apart; because the responsibility for this would be placed at their feet not the abuser. Because the victim is always seen as somehow responsible for what happened to them, with sexual crimes that is not other ones. Because we believe that we are alone.

I know that when people look at me I want them to see the normally cheerful, funny(well I think so) graduate, mother, ex Gamesmaker, wannabe librarian, blogger and the strong, confident, capable woman who I like to think I am. I don’t need pity or someone else’s anger, or to be somehow blamed and shamed. There are only four people who may read this that I worry may be upset by this, and if they do, know that I’m ok xxxx.

I am however very aware that my silence has allowed someone to get away with a crime (see how I have even taken responsibility again), and it has taken me 24 years to fully recover from something that if I had felt able to seek help for sooner… well we will never know.

He had a choice, he chose to hurt me, that’s all that needs saying really. I however choose not to hurt others and to be happy and to let you know you aren’t alone ->

http://refuge.org.uk/ http://refuge.org.uk/your-questions/about-domestic-violence/    http://www.one25.org.uk/   http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/   http://www.crasac.org.uk/ http://www.nottinghamrapecrisis.org.uk/   http://stoprapeinconflict.org/   http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/ http://www.rasasc.org.uk/   http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/   http://www.unwomen.org/   http://t.co/345rSYlU7j  http://www.rcni.ie/    http://www.rapecrisis.com/    http://www.militaryrapecrisiscenter.org/

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Caroline Criado-Perez

A Pox on the Patriarchy

feministmeup

Lady things, explained.

norfolknonaligned.wordpress.com/

"I have long argued that the giving of offence, and even hate speech, should be a moral matter but not a matter for the criminal law. That is as true on the football pitch as on the streets. We should always challenge racism. We should also always challenge attacks on liberties in the guise of faux antiracism." Kenan Malik

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